I’ve been nursing this topic for a while. And I honestly think it feels more strange than writing about eating disorders or mental health for me. Because my track record with this particular topic clearly shows I’m not an expert. Isn’t there a song that literally just says over and over “I’m bad at love”?? Yeah, that’s me. I’m bad at it. Like exponentially worse than your average 26 year old girl. My relationship track record is a JOKE and a half. I’ve just always been single.
But lately I’ve been mourning this idea of love. I’ve been sad over singleness in a way that has seeped into every ounce of my being.
There’s a spot on the floor in my apartment that I’m always drawn to when I’m sad. Right by the window. In the furthest corner. Sunlight streams in but I’m completely hidden. Maybe that’s metaphorical. I haven’t thought about it.
I’ve found myself in that spot more and more lately. And it’s there that I’ve been working out a lot of this weird, aching pain that I can’t quite get to the source of.
Over the past 3 weeks I’ve ended a relationship, found out an recent ex was engaged, AND stumbled upon the wedding website of the boy I truly thought would be my husband one day. And to say that it’s been hard would be an understatement.
I’ve talked to a few friends about it. And unfortunately the only thing we humans know to say in situations like this is “they just weren’t right for you. Your person is out there somewhere”. And I love those friends. Immensely. Or I wouldn’t have even felt like I could say “please be in this ugly and hard place with me”.
But I’ve got to be honest. Lately that doesn’t feel like a true statement. And to be even more honest- God hasn’t promised me that I get to even get married one day. Seriously. It’s not a guarantee. So this mourning isn’t soothed by worldly promises of future relationships.
I’ve been praying a lot about it. Because I can’t seem to find a solution or a band-aid for the pain. Because I know that my God is a God who can take my questions and my anger. I know He doesn’t love me any less for coming back time and time again to say “I’m just still really sad and mad and I can’t figure out why you’ve got me in this place”.
And that’s honestly it. I’m having a really hard time accepting my story right now. Because it doesn’t look like a lot of my friends’ stories. Because I genuinely know what it is like to have someone (or multiple people) not pick me. Because there was nothing I could do to prove I was worthy. There still IS nothing I can do.
So, after a few weeks of this “licking my wounds” routine, I’m hearing two things from God over and over. And I want to share because I know I am not/won’t be the only gal feeling this lonely and unworthy feeling deep in her bones.
- Marriage isn’t the end goal. Life doesn’t get “good” when we take someone else’s last name and share a bed with them for forever. I’ve got to admit… it sounds pretty great. It definitely will be a sort of sigh of relief to know that the search is over (BECAUSE DATING SUCKS, am I right?). BUT, getting married isn’t our only calling in life. Every time I’ve been overcome with grief over singleness, God is holding up all the good things I DO have right now, and He’s saying, “AND THERE ARE A LOT MORE GOOD THINGS COMING IN THE FUTURE!!!” While marriage may be one of them, geez louise I hope it isn’t the only other good thing coming in life. That’s a hard pill to swallow, I know. But doesn’t it sound a bit better than hearing “your person is out there somewhere”. Because NO ONE on this earth can promise you that. Marriage isn’t the end goal, and if it isn’t part of your story, then you’re still just as worthy and important and loved.
- There’s just no water here. I know that sounds odd. But let me give you some context. I read Psalm 63 last week. Here’s a snippet: You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land, where there is no water (Psalm 63:1). Isn’t that incredibly hard to swallow, but also incredibly relieving? All throughout the Bible God mentions that he is the only truly satisfying thing. Nothing on earth will ever actually quench our thirst. Which I know, but also I think I’ve always just felt that finding my “person” would alleviate so many of the things I struggle with as a single woman. But that just is not the case. Struggles don’t cease. They won’t until we get to Heaven. And a husband isn’t going to satisfy this intense longing. There’s just no water here.
I feel like I’m having to preach to myself every day. I’ve been a proud member of the “emotional hot mess express” for 26 years, but when it comes to the past few weeks I am not just a member…I am the president of the club. I’ve cried more tears than I ever thought my body could produce and my prayers go from grateful to sad to angry back to sad and then end with a mix of all the emotions.
And I think that is okay. Because there’s a part of life that I’m just not getting to see right now and God isn’t mad that I’m mourning it. He’s near the brokenhearted. And honestly, I’m lucky that the only thing I’m heartbroken over right now is this season (granted, an incredibly long season) of singleness.
There’s zero shame in mourning singleness. I’m convinced of that. But I’m also convinced that there is no shame that God can’t speak into. Over and over, reminding us daily who He is.