I wrote that sentence in my journal this morning. Three whole weeks of a rumbling tummy.
Weird food aversions and fears.
I babysit an (almost) three year old and when I watch her eat dinner she’s eating more than me. A three year old.
I think I’ve survived off of ice coffee and the occasional tiny piece of pizza for literally longer than I can remember.
I was in Auburn Saturday and my sister looked at me and said “you need to leave and go find food. You need to”. Yikes.
Sixteen days ago something weird happened and I didn’t think it affected me….a friend asked me how I was coping and my gut reaction was no way I am tooootally over that. No sadness here.
And then this morning my first sentence in a new journal was “I’ve been hungry for three weeks” and I realize maybe things are affecting me.
Maybe I am feeling something really deeply and my only comfortable response is to run from it. To numb out emotion and replace it with the feeling of an empty stomach. Because guess what, I can control that. I can’t control rejection or heartache or sadness or the realization that some things you really want just don’t work out.
I’ve been to the doctor twice this month- both times recoiling at the scale because well…that’s part of seeing a doctor, right? I straight up asked the question “is this going to make me gain weight?” When talking about new medicines. And then I left and cried in the parking lot because that fear is REAL.
I hate that my mind goes there.
I’ve been hungry for three weeks. I don’t know what that means for me. But I know it means it’s time to loosen the grip. To relinquish a little bit of control and give myself some grace.
I’m processing a lot of this as I type. Because its fresh on the brain. Because God woke me up today and said it was time to face it.
Getting through something like this isn’t linear. That you wake up one day and surprise no more eating disorder. I think that is a common misconception. Good days and bad days. Days where I can eat without thinking. But as soon as there’s a good day, there is a really bad day. And sometimes there are bad days three weeks in a row.
God woke me up today and told me to face this weird thing that happened sixteen days ago. God woke me up today and told me He isn’t mad that I’m sad about it. But He also told me that starving myself won’t fix things.
Gosh being hungry sucks.
Iced coffee is literally not a food group.