I’ve been feeling unseen lately. Those words are even embarrassing to type. Much less to say out loud. I can’t even imagine mustering the courage to have that conversation.
I’ve been feeling unseen lately. I’m watching my friends list dwindle. People I imagined walking with me through every phase of life choosing to walk straight out. Friends don’t know what to say so they don’t say anything at all.
I’ve been feeling unseen lately. Feeling like every time I post on social media the criticism is mounting. The amount of people claiming my ingenuity rising. The amount of fear I feel for posting my actual thoughts has increased so much that it’s a source of anxiety.
I’ve been feeling unseen lately. Like my efforts to be a good person are so unnoticed that it would almost be easier to be less. I’m poured out. My cup is empty and there are days I’m practically begging for someone to return the favors I have been passing out like candy.
I’m in an ‘unhealthy two’ stage of life and definitely am realizing it. My caring nature has become more of a “please see me” beg.
Crying in my car before walking to cross another thing off my to do list.
I’m angry that my vulnerability is being questioned. Angry that friends don’t know what to say. Angry that people refuse to see me. Angry that the people I love aren’t loving me back.
My heart is desperate for some relief. Some sign of fullness. A drink of water.
I was driving home tonight listening to an album that makes me crazy emotional every time. Tired. Realizing I hadn’t been home since 7 AM. Realizing how lonely I felt all day despite being around people. Realizing I’m angry about it.
I wrestled with it. And realized it all ties back to how unseen and empty I’ve been feeling. Except maybe that’s not it at all.
John 15:1-8 talks about the process of pruning a branch so that it will bear more fruit. Cutting away the dead to bring more life.
Is that it? Is that why I’m feeling so left behind? Because He’s continually cutting away the parts of my life that are prohibiting me from living my fullest life?
I’m changed. I know that- I feel myself continuing to change everyday. I know myself better. I know how deeply rooted my faith is. I know what kind of life I want to live…a life filled with Jesus. A walk so firmly dependent on Him that you can’t even see me.
Is that what’s happening? Is he pruning every person, habit, moment, thought, and feeling from me that is stopping me from living an abundant life? Is he pulling every idol away so that I become more dependent on him?
Because if so, it’s working. The pulling and cutting is working. Dead leaves are falling away quickly and loudly from my life.
I think it’s working.
Pruning a tree doesn’t seem like a very graceful or pain free process. Chopping down branches with a chainsaw or an axe. Pulling away old bark that had become so deeply attached that it leaves a mark when it’s gone. Scars.
I am the vine and He is the vinedresser. Every thing he’s doing is so that I may live a more abundant life.
Painful and lonely. I’ve been feeling unseen lately, but maybe it’s just unseen by worldly things. Maybe He is closer than ever. Pruning pieces of my life away that are keeping me from bearing fruit.
Maybe He is pruning it all away so I can see Him.
I’ve been feeling unseen lately. But maybe that’s right where He wants me.
It’s not easy or graceful living in full faith that God is paving a far better path than the one I probably would have chosen. Making a way where there was no way. Creating adventures far greater than I could dream up.
But that means holding things with open hands. Never too tightly.
Friends that stop showing up.
Boys that are all of a sudden careless with other people’s hearts.
Critics who to your face support you but behind your back say hurtful things.
Opportunities that looked like a given but all of a sudden are ripped away.
He’s in all of it. Clearing the old to bring new life. More abundant life.
Pruning away the dead is painful. Removing bark that has been so deeply attached leaves a scar. Realizing the old ways are simply that- old ways- can leave a girl feeling empty. Empty but waiting to be filled up by a Heavenly Father who sees far beyond my worldly pain.
If you left, it’s ok. If you’ve hurt me, it’s ok. I’m grieving these life changes, but it’s ok. God is showing me so much and I’m learning that sometimes includes showing me the things I don’t get to have.