About six months ago I adopted a dog because I thought it would eliminate my loneliness.
In November I found a ring in a jewelry store that I knew if I had would make me so HAPPY.
Three months ago I went on a trip that I swore to myself was going to cure my burnout.
Last week I bought myself a new pair of shoes because “it’ll cheer me up”.
Today I deleted all of my social media because none of the things I’d done before worked.
I have a dog who I literally love more than anything. I stare at a pretty ring on my finger every day and am in awe of my parents generosity. I had a blast in Highlands. And the shoes are pretty incredible if I do say so myself, but I’m curled up in bed right now with that same hollow feeling that I thought I’d be able to fill by now. Those things didn’t fill me up, which I should have realized but didn’t.
I find it very hard to be completely happy at any given moment- which I understand is because we aren’t meant to find full happiness in the things of the earth. But I wallow in my sadness. And I compare. I take medicine. I cry on a therapists couch far too often. I ramble to friends about just being a little tired and a little over worked. But reality is that I’m honestly not happy. And that is a problem.
I think I wrap myself up in comparison far too often. I’ll never look like her, I’ll never be his type, I’ll never find a job as incredible as that one. I won’t ever be enough.
As I sat yesterday begging and pleading with God to help me figure out what I am doing wrong….it sort of hit me: life won’t ever be as good as it looks on someone else’s Instagram feed. And I’m a little afraid that social media and comparison is what has wrecked me lately. My normal Tuesday won’t ever look as beautiful as my ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s latest picture because what she’s posting on her feed isn’t her reality. It’s not her ugly crying after a hard day or her waking up late for work and rocking a messy pony and yesterday’s mascara.
Now I KNOW that sounds like common sense. It is really. We post our highlight reels, not our behind the scenes. But GOOD GRIEF it is hard to remember that when you just spilled a milkshake on yourself in Target and then hop on Snapchat to realize “WOW she looks perfect YET AGAIN” AND THEN THE FINAL STRAW: you see that you got left on read #again. It’s irritating. It’s frustrating. It’s reality. I get it. We live in a technologically saturated world and always will. And most of the time I am all. about. it. I love a good Twitter post as much as anyone.
But I think if we are in a place where things already don’t feel good, social media makes it so much worse. It’s like self-sabotage. It’s literally rubbing salt into a paper cut.
And that is where I am. I feel icky, unworthy and not enough. Guess what isn’t helping that? Scrolling through Instagram. There isn’t any truth I need to read on social media. There aren’t any people who can truly fill my cup from an Instagram post. My burnout isn’t going away after reading someone else’s inspirational Facebook post.
So, I’m going to take a break. Which is hard because I am probably a social media addict if there is a such thing. And when I come back (eventually), I’m going to do my damndest to put my real self out there. But until then, I’m cutting the social media, ditching (digital) comparison, and figuring out what is wrong in my heart.