I’m not good at making mistakes. That’s a weird statement, isn’t it? I honestly don’t let myself make mistakes. It’s because when I do, I treat it like WWIII has broken out and I am the sole reason. I’m good at over apologizing and beating myself up for days over a minute issue.
This past weekend I made several little mistakes and this week shaped up to include several as well. I hid in shame and embarrassment, and thought of every excuse I could why the mistakes weren’t my fault.
I typically chalk this obsession with doing everything perfectly up to just wanting to always put my best foot forward. But after some reflection I think its more so out of fear.
Fear of someone thinking less of me, fear of showing a side of myself that I like to pretend doesn’t exist. Fear of vulnerability maybe? Fear of people realizing I’m not as good as I’d like to be.
Walk in a bookstore and theres probably a whole shelf on “self help” filled with titles about being your best self, faking it until you make it, and keeping it all together. Sounds like those titles are aimed at someone who is fearful of the world seeing their real selves as well.
Sometimes God likes to remind me that its not me who gets to have the glory. Because I’m sinful and was destined for hell because of my humanity. Despite that, I still like to pretend I am walking perfection.
Boasting in a weakness isn’t natural or comfortable. Its difficult. It hurts my pride and my ego. No matter how many times I think about 2 Corinthians 12:9 and God’s power being made perfect in weakness, I still like to play God myself. I like to tweak my appearance in the eyes of other people for the sake of saving face on Earth.
I read this article from Desiring God today. Its about embracing weaknesses by giving them all to God. By not wallowing in our shortcomings but using them to shine light on God’s goodness. Redemptive vulnerability.
I’m not the perfect graduate assistant. I make mistakes in my work.
I’m not the best sister. I set a bad example sometimes and do stupid things.
I’m not the best friend you’ll ever have. I say hurtful things and lie and don’t show up when you need me.
I lie and take shortcuts and bandaid problems instead of solving them. I ignore phone calls and send stupid text messages and run towards things that I know I shouldn’t. I’m not perfect despite the face I put on in the morning that wants to be.
But God. He’s a redeemer and a grace giver. A constant motivator to do better and a constant forgiver when we fall down.
Grace, always. Redemption, always.