Can I tell you all something??
I’ve had a bridesmaid’s dress hanging in my closet for two weeks. I haven’t tried it on yet because I have been terrified of the outcome. Will it zip?? Will the fabric be snug around my stomach? Will it fit at all? I have been completely consumed by the thought of this dress not fitting.
A few weeks ago I was dying for dessert one night. Heck, my roommate even texted me asking if I wanted to go get dessert. But I took a Tylenol PM and went to sleep instead because I was already thinking about that dress. Again, completely consumed.
Sorority recruitment was last week and I sat there every day comparing my 24 year old body to the 18 year old women walking on campus in their cute dresses that I could never pull off because of this booty I was #blessed with.
My Facebook timeline is FILLED with dieting and shame and posts about weight loss. Sometimes I wonder if I should join in on that culture. I hear how much happier people are once they lose weight and wonder if I’d be happier if I weighed 10 less pounds.
I didn’t post a photo from my best friend’s bridal shower because I was distraught over how I looked on camera. I drove back to Auburn that night and was angry at myself for having to claim this body as my own.
Consumption at its worst.
Diet culture, fat shaming, tying thinness to beauty, all of it. It sometimes feels suffocating, doesn’t it? How did we become a world so consumed with size.
I feel like I have to rewire my brain. Rewire my brain and speak truth into the world until I believe it- until other people believe it too- that the size of a person’s body doesn’t determine their worth.
There is a Netflix show out right now called Insatiable. It’s about a high school girl nicknamed “Fatty Patty” who has an accident, gets her jaw wired shut for three months, and is suddenly thin, gorgeous and popular. She wins a beauty pageant and is the envy of most of the school, gets a boyfriend and whatever else is deemed important on a television show about high schoolers. What kind of message does that send? To me it screams that thinness is a currency- one that you can cash in for “the good stuff” in life. Whatever you deem that good stuff to be.
I hate the thought of raising a daughter (one day) in a world where she feels so trapped and ashamed that she can’t post a photo on social media. I hate the realization that “you look so skinny!” is a compliment that we all use on a daily basis. And, I hate the way I see the world applaud thinness.
I realize that part of the problem is internal. A misfire in my brain. An obsession, a consumption really. But until “you’ve lost weight!” isn’t the most common compliment I hear, until our Facebook friends stop trying to sell us diet pills, and until we are able to teach our daughters that they are loved for so much more than a number on the scale (and actually believe it ourselves, too) then I don’t think eating disorders will go away. And that is heartbreaking.
Recovery is a windy, hilly and long road. For me, for a while it was paved. But right now its bumpy and filled with potholes. “Speak your truth” I keep hearing God say. So here I am…