I’ve prayed 2 really hard prayers in my life. And I can tell you exactly where I was for both of them. One in college, one last week. The first one spurred a complete life-change (2016…you were a hard year) , the second one just really, really hurts.
And as hard as this is to say….I’m a little mad at God. Like picture a little kid with her arms crossed and her lip poking out stomping off after her mom tells her “no”. That’s me. Pitching an ugly little kid fit because I
The first time, I had just finished the most amazing book called “Let’s All Be Brave” by Annie Downs. I picked it up on New Years Eve in 2015. I underlined the last line of the book on January 29, sat on my floor for an hour and prayed, and then watched everything change over the course of two months. I’m 99 percent sure God just was waiting for me to see what He saw before He set a plan in motion. He wanted to teach me how to see things for his glory and not my own.
I’ve always known to put anything and everything before God because it’s not mine, it’s His and for His glory. And selfeshly, it’s always worked out pretty well…minimal discomfort, minimal second thoughts, minimal life changes. But of course that can’t last forever. I really just want my cake and to eat it too.
I think a lot about Jonah. About how God was telling him to go to Ninevah, and he literally ran as far from Ninevah…all the way to Tarshish (that’s like as far as he possibly could run) just to not do what God asked. I think about God gave him a vine for shelter from the sun, and Jonah was more grateful for the vine than he was for God, who saw he needed the vine and gave it to him. Then when God killed the vine….Jonah was really, really mad at God. I think about these things and then I realize that I am just like Jonah.
I am so grateful for things in my life, but often I forget who gave me these things. And, like today, I get so mad whenever God takes something away that I WANTED. I turn into a pouty little girl who just really NEEDED that one thing and forgets about all of the great things she already has.
Despite the fact that I prayed over this one thing and said that it was God’s…I selfishly didn’t expect Him to do anything with it. I expected to be a good Christian and offer it up, but God would see that I really wanted it and take pity on me. I have so much whiplash from the course of events that followed my last really hard prayer that I just want to grip things so hard in my hands now. In the middle of a hard day, I start to wish that I had an easy life and an easy story. I start to wish that I had just never rocked the boat, never told God I was all His no matter what the cost.
It’s a sin, and its a problem to be worked out. But I’m grateful for a God who lets me ask questions, yell in frustration to Him, and forgives me despite it all.