Last night I sat reflecting on several mistakes I made this past weekend. Several times I stepped out of the will of God, made comparisons, cursed under my breath, and then dwelled on it for a full 24 hours. That tends to be a pattern in life doesn’t it? Messing up and letting it eat us alive. Shame, guilt, embarrassment and the worry that we’re being judged by everyone.
I kept thinking over and over, “gosh am I ever going to get it together?!” Am I ever going to be a good enough person? And right before I fell asleep it hit me: I won’t ever be enough.
I won’t ever measure up to anything.
I won’t ever be able to please everyone or make everyone like me.
I won’t ever be satisfied with myself.
I won’t ever be enough.
But it doesn’t matter. Because God’s grace is more than enough. He chose me despite my flaws, shame, embarrassments, stupid text messages, hurtful words and terrible behaviors. He took all of me; rusty and dusty and filled with sin, covered my faults with His perfect grace and every day continues to see me as shiny and new.
But he said to me, “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest upon me on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 9-10
Not an excuse for sin, but a relief for past mistakes. Not a “free for all”, but reassurance that I will continue to fall short and God will continue to love me anyway.
So while we sit and dwell on past sins, we are yet again out of the will of God. Because He sent His son to die on a cross because He loves us THAT MUCH. Enough to sacrifice His only son, breaking the veil and securing a sinner’s unearned spot in heaven. Securing our spots in heaven. He knew of our sinful nature, but chose to love us despite it all.
He knew I’d fall short every day in a million ways. He knew it before I was born. If He can still choose to save me from the persecution I deserve, then I am continually disobeying him by feeling shame and guilt. By not letting it be just the past and choosing to walk closer with Him in the present and future. The only thing He asks is that I repent. Repent and move on.
I’m telling you what.. God is shaking me today. Shaking me because He already forgave me, why can’t I forgive myself? Forgive myself, accept my weakness and proclaim it all for His glory.
I’ve said it in past posts but continue to forget. My mess is my ministry. My mistakes are what make my walk in Christianity all the more beautiful. There is no way to earn my spot in heaven. It is completely undeserved. All I can do is accept it. Accept the grace being poured over my life and do my best to live in His will. The only thing He asks of me is to realize my sinful nature, repent, and tell my story.
So I’m soaking in some grace today.
Grace and truth.