I feel like I go back and forth, and I’m almost ashamed to write about a bad day after my last post was about how good life is. The truth is…there’s never a day that is the same.
June has been tough. I have been running from task to task. Thinking “If I can just make it to this weekend, I’ll be fine”. “After this trip to Savannah I’ll be rested”. If I can just make it to 4 PM, class will be over and I can leave”.
If. If. If.
Today I was in the shower and literally had to give myself a pep talk to shave my legs. Something so small felt like such a daunting task. Same with writing a thank you note. It has been on my to do list for a week and I haven’t had the energy to cross it off. The thought of going to Pure Barre felt like someone telling me to go run a half-marathon. I literally have been counting the hours until I can go to sleep since I woke up. This heaviness has been around and its been eerie and painful and life sucking. Am I the only one? Something tells me I’m not.
It hit me smack in the face after I bribed myself to write a thank you note with a pint of Halo Top just now (that is embarrassing to admit).
I’ve been doing something wrong. Honestly, most of us probably are. Sprinting a marathon constantly. Never stopping to breathe. Dragging every single worry, fear, task and burden like an albatross around our necks. All while thinking the expectation is that we do it flawlessly.
Y’all, I’m tired. My prayers have been shallow and my mind has been anywhere but on Jesus. In the morning I’ve basically said “Hey Jesus, I’m really busy today and I don’t have time to pray for long. Thanks for forgiving me,” and then I go out to make coffee. Why? I’ve written it off to, “I can’t focus right now. I’ll do my devotion later when I have time”. And the time never comes. When I do find time to read my Bible, it feels like punishment. Like reading a textbook for a class I can’t understand. I can’t find His voice and I can’t see His plan. That’s embarrassing to admit but its all true.
That’s where this exhaustion begins. Its so clear now that I sit down and make myself process it. I haven’t been putting my faith first. I’ve played strong too long and I got big headed thinking I could deal with it all and then deal with my faith later. I got selfish with my own plans and didn’t offer them up to God. So everything has been heavy and worldly and disappointing.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Today I reached my breaking point and I need a nap. But more than that I need Jesus. Like pronto, ASAP, and lots of Him.