About a month ago I finally broke my silence about an eating disorder I dealt with in college. You can read about it here. I can honestly say it was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. I almost backed out, I had the email typed asking my headquarters to hold off on posting and was ready to press send. But, then I went on a walk to my favorite coffee shop in Atlanta and listened to a sermon from Passion City Church that featured Jay and Katherine Wolfe.
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that God was walking down Piedmont Avenue towards Seventh Street with me that day and was saying over and over, “You’ve got to share this. Don’t back out now”. But me being my stubborn self was saying right back “Are you crazy there is no way I want people to know all of my junk”. Then the clearest message came through my headphones and it all clicked. My mess is my ministry. It’s the only thing I can show to prove that God is real. He’s big and He’s capable and who in the world am I to think I can be stingy with that message?!
So the article is posted. I think about it every day and I find myself worrying about how people look at me now. Do they pity me? Do they think I looked better with an eating disorder than I do now? Are my friends watching closely now to see if I’m actually eating? The thing about an ED is that it never fully goes away. There is sometimes this sneaky voice in my mind that tells me I was better when I tracked every calorie that went into my body. That frozen yogurt is bad and unless I’m at the gym every day I’m worthless.
Today is one of those days. The lady at Dunkin’ Donuts gave me real sugar in my coffee and I keep telling myself to throw it away because I didn’t plan for those calories today. I didn’t work out this morning, I slept instead and that is killing me. It’s sickening and I’m questioning why God threw this wrench in my story. But again the thought “My mess is my ministry” is running through my mind. It’s not my story, it’s His and when I gave my life to Him I agreed that His way was better.
So if one person read my blog post and saw a bit of hope, then it’s worth it. I have to keep telling myself that every bad day is better than any fantastic day without knowing Jesus. My mess is my ministry and if that means being uncomfortable for the rest of my life, then let’s do this.