Goodness gracious life is hard. And I’ve been dwelling in that. I’ve been beating myself down and making a mental list of all the things I’m doing to make this life harder.
My heart hurts. It’s aching constantly. Aching for something perfect, for something whole and wonderful and satisfying. I’ve been chasing it. Chasing satisfaction and thinking that if I could just get it together I’d be happy. I mean I can do it all right? 6 AM Barre class, 9 AM meeting, 10 hours of work, time with Jesus, time to love on my friends and end it all with 8 hours of sleep. I should be able to do it. Or so I’ve been thinking that for the past 2 months. Chasing that perfection that I just KNEW I could find. A place of pure happy and pure self acceptance.
Until yesterday…when I had an overwhelmingly hard day. It started off with an anxiety attack because I missed my 6 AM workout class. And then slipped further when I had a brownie, and then when I realized I had 32 unread text messages and was the worst friend in the world. WHY? Why why why am I doing this?
Today was the same. Sat in my closet floor and cried to my mom on the phone. Screwed up an email. Didn’t work out. I’m still awake at 1 AM and opened up the notes on my phone. The last thing I had written was this:
Lower my expectations of earth.
If your expectation is that everything has to workout here, you’ll stay stressed.
Don’t put your hope in the wrong place.
How convicting?? I’m literally chasing perfection in a body that is so broken and in a world that is filled with heartache and sadness.
I’ve completely lost sight of the fact that this isn’t my home! My home is in a perfect place with a perfect God. OUR home is in a perfect place with a perfect God.
2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 says:
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
We can’t find what we need here, y’all. I get so caught up in details and social media and needing people to see me through a perfect lens. But the sweet reminder at 1 AM that my goal is pointless is so frustrating but so so so beautiful. It’s almost a free pass to say “hey, I’m not perfect and yes I had 3 brownies today and I cried a lot but guess what–God is still preparing a place for me in Heaven and that matters to me than any of this.”
We’re human and we stumble and fail and we are withering away slowly. But every time we fail, God is there and he’s picking up the pieces and is whispering, “this isn’t what matters. This isn’t what you were made for.”
Fixing my eyes on His glory and less on my idea of a perfect Presley tonight.